While sometimes presenting as aloof or self-focused, INTPs often attract potential mates through their Extraverted Intuition (Ne) and Extraverted Feeling (Fe). These functions contribute to their wittiness, personability, and sincerity, conferring a childlike innocence that others find refreshing. INTPs are often kind and considerate, wanting everyone to feel included and treated with respect (Fe). They are slow to speak negatively of others, able to forgive and forget what other types might find offensive. Such qualities, combined with their intelligence and ambitiousness, can be of great appeal to prospective partners.
Should INTPs Even Bother with Relationships?
Because of their Fe inferior, INTPs generally enjoy being around people. Even if not directly engaging with them, they can feel comforted by the background presence of others (assuming they are not perceived as obnoxious or intrusive). However, because of their dominant function’s penchant for inner control and autonomy (Ti), INTPs can be leery of making Fe commitments that carry the potential to shackle their independence. The fact that INTPs can work independently for long periods of time may discourage them from complicating their lives with relationships. Despite their relative independence, there invariably comes a time when their inferior function (Fe) beckons them to be around people. This may involve feelings of emptiness or loneliness, alerting them to the fact that their independent projects may, in and of themselves, be insufficient for achieving the deeper sense of wholeness and contentment they desire. This tug-of-war between their Ti and Fe represents a most central and recurrent dilemma for INTPs. At some level, INTPs feel like they need people and want an intimate relationship, while on another, they are afraid of losing themselves and their freedom if they commit.
In many cases, INTPs’ fears are justified. Most partners are reluctant to grant them the degree of freedom and autonomy they desire, leading them to try to control the INTP. This of course, prompts the INTP to rebel, which causes the relationship to take a turn for the worse. But because Fe is a legitimate part of INTPs’ functional stack, we should not be too quick to dismiss the potential value of intimate relationships for INTPs. As the final function in their stack, understanding and integrating their Fe is critical to their self-actualization. While a romantic relationship is not the only forum for developing and satisfying their Fe, it is certainly one of the most common and viable means of doing so. With that said, deep and long-lasting satisfying romantic relationships can be hard to come by for INTPs, requiring that both they and their partners bring significant wisdom and maturity to the relationship. For this reason, among others, most INTPs are better off abstaining from any long-term commitments until later in their development.
This is very true, I could never trust my judgment again. It always leads me to trouble. The last time my infatuation arises I was about to date a destructive guy that had been held back a year in high school.
Awesome article.
I’m in college now, and I’m trying to find a potential mate, and a bestfriend that I could really relate with my Ti and Ne. But until now I cant decide. Which type is the most compatible with INTP?
I’ve read that we could be with any type, but I want to be completely sure.
Thank you!
I am new to typology and have found your posts quite helpful at a time in my life when nothing makes sense. As a INTP I have always struggled with communication and feeling understood. I truly relate with your comment about confusing harmony with intimacy (maybe in another post). This is often true with friendships as well as relationships. I often feel let down after it becomes apparent that I have been misunderstood, or that I held someone with higher regards than they did me. I long for the camaraderie that I see in other people’s friendships, but I usually end up feeling like a third wheel.
Being single, I also struggle with how easily I become infatuated with people that I let in, and especially with how hard it is for me to let go. I no longer trust myself as it’s so hard for me to move on after a relationship ends. And it has proven nearly impossible to stay friends with someone after the relationship ends as jealousy always surfaces.
I am currently infatuated with and INFJ. I am most taken by her warmth and genuine affection towards me, but also by her great intelligence, creativity, and desire for personal growth. She made a great effort to get to know me and to get me to open up, and then out of nowhere, asked to be “just” friends just as I was feeling most confident about where the relationship was headed. I seem to recall in a previous post that INTP types should look out for INFJ’s. I feel that I have been left here perceiving while she has judged prematurely. I would be interested in hearing more about this INTP / INFJ pairing. As an internal optimist I can’t accept that we aren’t perfect for each other or that she will not come to this realization at some point. I fear it must be the Fe talking.
Hello there, I’m not trying to ignore your concerns, but feel I cannot do this one justice outside of writing a post about it. If you can hang in there, I hope to get to it soon. Thanks! AJ
I, too, would love to hear more about INFJ+INTP relationships. I love everything you write, so much of it has been so helpful to me. I am an INFJ and I’ve been in a relationship with an INTP for 4 years (and we would like to get married.) I think that it works very well for us. I suspect I have an especially well-developed Ti function, because I tend to test INTJ on tests. We love to talk and theorize about ideas together.
I’m unemployable because of my attitude, I’m uninterested in money, I want to control my spouse’s time but he is not allowed to control mine, I am cold, and I can’t handle too much kid time… I’d be offended if it weren’t all absolutely true!!! Thanks for giving my ISFJ husband a chuckle.