A study entitled “Everything Is Better Together” recently caught my eye, along with that of many news outlets like the Washington Post. In this sweeping survey of over forty thousand Americans, the researchers found that, on average, “every daily activity”—from eating, walking, and shopping to commuting, cleaning, and listening to music—was considered more enjoyable when done with someone else. Even more solitary activities like reading showed a modest social advantage.
So are Introverts missing something? Are we doing life the wrong way? Are we fooling ourselves into believing that we’re actually happier or more satisfied when we’re alone? Not necessarily. But there are several things we need to unpack to get a clearer picture of the psychological situation.
First and foremost, we can’t overlook that this was an American study—and the United States ranks higher in Extraversion than most other countries. Historically, this nation was founded by those willing to risk their lives to explore an unknown land, an Extraverted endeavor if ever there was one. Today, American culture remains strongly marked by Extraversion (E) and Sensing (S), and the notion that “everything’s better together” would find ready endorsement among most ES personalities.
Second, given that much of human history unfolded in tribal communities, it’s hard to deny the notion that we are inherently social creatures. Being with others can offer a sense of support and belonging that’s harder to experience in isolation.
The Wandering Mind: Pitfalls & Perks
That said, there’s also a deeper, often overlooked, reason we find the presence of others comforting: they help to distract us from the negative thoughts and feelings that surface when we’re alone with our wandering minds.
As happiness researcher Matt Killingsworth explains:
When our minds wander, we often think about unpleasant things: our worries, our anxieties, our regrets… People are substantially less happy when their minds are wandering than when they’re not, which is unfortunate considering we do it so often.
Other people, then, can serve as a buffer against the pitfalls of mind wandering that Killingsworth describes. It’s the same reason we scroll on our phones or turn on music when we’re alone—or why we prefer working at a café instead of home by ourselves. Consciously or not, these activities reduce our chances of getting caught in negative mental loops and chatter.
As I discuss in my latest book, The Creative Introvert, when we’re alone and idle, our brain’s Default Mode Network (DMN) comes online. It’s called the “default mode” because when our interest in or attention to the outside world wanes, this network steps in as the platform for introspection. It’s characterized by self-referential thinking and conscious attention to our thoughts and emotions—essentially the “hub of self-reflection.” In a paper entitled “Thinking Too Much,” Adam Perkins and colleagues argue that heavy DMN users—those who frequently engage in “self-generated thought”—may be more creative problem-solvers because they dwell longer on problems and develop more original insights and solutions.
Despite its potential upsides, overactivity of the DMN has been linked to worry, anxiety, and rumination, lending support to Killingsworth’s findings. In this light, the DMN might be best viewed as a double-edged sword.
For many creative individuals, especially creative introverts, engaging the DMN through introspection is central to their work. Reflecting on their lives, experiences, and emotions often serves as a wellspring for creative ideas and inspiration. Yet, as we know, poets and artists aren’t always the happiest or most contented souls. For such individuals, personal suffering and unhappiness are justified by periods of creative immersion or experiences of profound beauty or insight.
Paths to “Losing Ourselves”
Writer D.H. Lawrence once observed that “happiness is absorption.” One of the hallmarks of absorption—or what psychologists call the flow state—is the absence of self-consciousness, the feeling of “losing oneself” in activity.
There are different ways to lose ourselves. The most common involves immersion in external distractions—be it socializing or otherwise—which reduce mind wandering and DMN activity. I consider these forms of escape as the “low-hanging fruit” of self-forgetting. Watching television, for instance, requires virtually no energy or effort, which is why we associate it with “vegging out.” Combining such distractions—say, watching TV with a friend—makes us even less likely to fall into negative thought loops. In this light, we can see why many Americans feel that life is more enjoyable with someone else around.
But there is another path to absorption, one that is less traveled and more tenuous, yet potentially far more meaningful. This inward, self-guided path—more common among Introverted and Intuitive types (INFJ, INFP, INTJ, and INTP)—is fueled by a desire to learn, create, and discover. Because it’s internally motivated, it lacks the external validation and reinforcement that accompany more conventional routes. And it often involves deeper engagement with the DMN—meaning more frequent encounters with self-doubt, resistance, and inner struggle. As Steven Pressfield puts it in The War of Art, we must face “The Resistance” head-on.
Yet this self-guided path comes with its own built-in rewards. It beckons us through the promise of growth, novelty, and discovery. Instead of numbing ourselves with external distractions, it invites us to adventure into unexplored inner terrain. Because there’s always more to uncover, this path becomes a renewable source of meaning and vitality. If all Introverts and creatives simply accepted the prescription to “just be more social,” this is the kind of life they would risk forfeiting.
Of course, the introspective life is not without its hazards. In many ways, it’s predicated on risk. The inward turn requires regular confrontations with self-doubt, self-reproach, and other “self” entanglements. As many contemplatives, philosophers, and artists have discovered, it takes continual effort to cultivate an inner landscape that doesn’t become barren or overgrown with weeds. Fortunately, the promise of a more meaningful and creatively alive existence often provides the energy and courage to sustain such labor.
There’s little doubt that for many, perhaps even most, people, “everything’s better together.” But for some personalities, particularly Introverts and Intuitives, aligning with one’s own self-guided path can play an equal, if not greater, role in life satisfaction. Indeed for some, it may seem to be their only hope for a truly meaningful life.
Home | Test | 16 Types | Tools
