Personality typology helps us see outside the biases and assumptions of our own type. It forces us to confront the reality that other people are naturally wired to see and approach things differently than we might. It equips us to more effectively understand and empathize with others. Typological insight can prove particularly useful in romantic relationships, allowing us to better understand, communicate with, and express love to our partners.
Another interpersonal framework I’ve found helpful is that of the five “love languages.” The love languages concept was first promulgated by Gary Chapman in his 1995 book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Love Languages in Relationships
According to Chapman, most relationships are made up of two people who express love and experience love in different ways. Hence, what one person sees as an expression of love may fail to register as such with his or her partner. This is why Chapman refers to such expressions as languages. If we don’t understand the language in which our partner prefers to give and receive love, the relationship may suffer from a perceived paucity of love and affection.
In many cases, we tend to express love in the same language we hope to receive it. Of the five love languages, we typically gravitate toward one or two of them (sort of like our preference for the dominant / auxiliary function of our personality type). The five love languages are as follows:
- Gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
Many people find it helpful to rank their preferred love languages and compare their rankings with their partner’s. While doing so is a fairly quick and simple exercise, it can be eye-opening. Light bulbs illumine when we realize that our natural expressions of love are being missed or unappreciated by our partner (and vice-versa). These insights can also be a little difficult to accept at first. Our ego may feel hurt, angry, or frustrated by stark differences in love languages. We may find it awkward or feel it inauthentic to love in ways that don’t come naturally to us. But this is really no different from all the other changes and compromises required for a successful relationship. Loving another person requires integrating new information and developing new habits. It involves learning and responding to our partners’ actual needs and preferences rather than imposing or projecting ours onto them.
Love Languages & Personality Type
While I am unaware of any formal research assessing correlations between personality types and love languages, I’ll share a couple of my observations. Thinking types (especially TP males) often place high value on words of affirmation (Fe). They want their partner to verbally acknowledge their value and their accomplishments. The image that comes to mind is a hunter returning to his tribe after a successful hunt eagerly awaiting affirmation for his accomplishment.
By contrast, feeling types commonly prefer gifts or quality time. Unlike thinkers, they are less interested in receiving “practical” gifts, instead preferring those conveying the “just because I love you” or “because I was thinking of you” sentiment. This can of course prove challenging to thinkers inclined to seeing such expenditures as silly or frivolous. But the same thing could be said about words of affirmation. Are they really necessary? Couldn’t they be viewed as superfluous as well? The point is that however foreign or irrational our partner’s love language may seem to us, it is important that we learn to understand, respect, and honor it.
This is not to say that our relational expectations are never excessive, extreme, or in need of modification. Certainly some individuals, lacking sufficient self-love or self-esteem, expect too much from their partners. Others may gravitate to the opposite pole, perhaps seeing themselves as wholly independent or self-sufficient. This is why self-awareness and personal growth are also critical to maximizing relational health and happiness.
