By Lillian Dell’Aquila Cannon
As I child, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, yet this is often one of the first questions that adults ask children. Being asked would at first fill me with anxiety, and as I got older, with anger. How could they expect me to answer such a huge and personal and meaningful question? As an INTP, I found everything interesting, and yet nothing interesting enough to do forever.
Once in college, the question became, “What’s your major?” This was also impossible to answer, as it changed every semester. My favorite activity was to sit with the course schedule for the next term and the guidebook for major requirements and to plan my major, but this also filled me with anxiety because I despaired of ever being able to fit into the world. I was dimly aware that I needed to study the humanities; I never found anything science or math interesting enough for the long haul, just as little intellectual baubles for a minute’s thought. I ended up with a dual major in Anthropology and Spanish. Spanish was not intended; I just didn’t want to forget what I had learned in high school, and ended up loving Don Quijote. Foreign languages were always appealing to me as intellectual puzzles and because of the interesting philosophical discussions to be had over differences in translation. I studied Anthropology because though I didn’t know it at the time, I needed to know why and how societies and their people could be so different in every way.After college, I tried to fit myself to the world by enrolling in law school, but found this to be deeply unsatisfying as well because the other students seemed to be so incurious and inflexible. I felt at odds with the professors, the other students, and the attorneys at my summer job, and I left in a depression. I then got married and started a family. After staying home with my four children for five years, I began to grow bored. This prompted me to research how I could become more at ease in the world. At first, this took the form of obsessively searching the web for lists of careers favored by INTPs: scientists, lawyers, entrepreneurs always topped the list. I didn’t want to go to school long enough to be a scientist, I had already tried law school and hated it, so that left entrepreneur. I had also used cloth diapers on my four children and saw that interest in them was growing, so I decided to open my own web store selling cloth diapers.It turned out that entrepreneurism was a good match for my personality type. As an entrepreneur and INTP, autonomy is of utmost importance. Since I tell myself what to do, I never find a task pointless or misguided. While I cannot employ every idea that crosses my mind, I have taught myself to only study a problem for a short period and then make a decision, knowing that I can change it later. This went against my natural personality orientation, but has proven invaluable for learning what is “good enough.”In my journey of entrepreneurship, I have also learned that while my type may not be common and my values may not be widely shared, there are others like me out there. In an effort to not feel alone, I decided to cultivate relationships with kindred spirits (as Anne of Green Gables called them). This has been amazingly effective in giving me a sense of peace with myself, and for soliciting advice from people whose opinions I respect, and who won’t misunderstand me from the gate.
Finding the Right Career Mentor(s)
At first, I tried to find mentors in online discussion fora. While participating in online discussions was helpful in not feeling so alone, I gradually found them less helpful. I was surrounding myself with personality mirrors, but this was not helping me feel comfortable in the world at large. So I decided to consciously search for people who had experienced similar personality “challenges” and melded them into a strong character. I sought individuals with strong beliefs, but tempered by humanism, and who managed to live his or her beliefs in a way that had a positive effect on the world. I looked for mentors who could serve as role models for me, but not representatives of what I thought society wanted but I found impossible. In other words, I looked for mentors who would also allow me to remain true to myself.So where can you meet people like this? As with dating or writing, start where you are. I began by simply observing and talking to the older people in my life. In a way, I had been doing this even as a child. I was always friends with the older children. This is also useful for mentorship, because I want to know how to manage the challenges of life that are ahead of me, not simply commiserate, as one often does with peers. Anywhere I go, I make an effort to come out of my mind and actually see the people around me. I also write letters to people whose writing I admire. If I read a fascinating article, I take the time to write the author. You would be surprised how often people you think are too busy or important to talk to you will actually take the time to write you back, especially if you sincerely compliment their work and speak to them as an actual human being who interests you. Try to avoid dumping everything of yourself on them, though – even if you think this person is a kindred spirit, you are trying to cultivate a relationship, and you will scare them off by coming on too heavy.Mentorship is especially helpful to entrepreneurs, and the process of finding a business mentor is even easier. Established business people can make excellent mentors, but you cannot just cold-call them and ask, “How do I start my own business?” You need to have done enough research yourself to have short and specific questions that will not seem like a ton of work for them to answer. My husband makes a point to chat with all small business owners he meets, which usually leads to new ideas for us.For personal mentors, I always seek out and pay special attention to people whose lives have had several acts – one job for 35 years until retirement never interests me – and people whose career or cause involves higher-level thought. I accomplish this by “interviewing” potential candidates. I find that people love to talk about themselves and will do so if given the slightest opportunity, and so I just keep the questions coming and lead them down paths that interest them. I usually start with their career, as that is the culturally sanctioned first question. What do you do? How long have you done that? Do you like it? What, exactly, do you do all day at that job? Did you have to go to school for that? Was it hard? Do you like it? If they seem to have some inner awareness, I start tailoring the questions to guide them towards my areas of interest, like how they came to their career, what parts of it they like, what parts they hate, how they see it fitting into the world at large, what they would do if they didn’t need money, etc.
Once I think that the person has a rich inner life which they can express verbally or in writing, I start to reveal myself with little bits of intellectual puzzles that I am working on. For me, having someone with whom to share my little intellectual curiosities is so wonderful that this, on its own, can sustain me for a while. Once I feel safe with these gems, I try to get life stories from them, simply by asking, “What do you know to be true?” This question usually flushes out lots of useful and fascinating stuff.
INTP Mentorship Examples
Right now I have one mentor who is a retired attorney with whom I share an activist cause. We correspond by email, usually once or twice a day. He shares with me bits of cases he is working on, and I share with him my current thoughts on my plans and goals. He is very kind, and indulgent. I help him edit the things he writes, and he takes me seriously; thus I can accept his advice because I know that he is not pandering to me, or mistaking my offhandedness for a lack of intellect or focus.
Another semi-mentor is the therapist my husband and I see (I say semi-mentor because the boundaries of our therapist patient relationship prevent a full mentorship.). He is also older, and this is his “second act;” I tested him out by asking him about his thoughts on personal development and growth, and found him sympathetic. He does not talk down to me, which again, is a prerequisite for me, and he is always honest, and kind and caring, qualities which I hope to develop more in myself.
The last mentor I’ll mention is an older woman who posts daily videos on Facebook and YouTube from A Course in Miracles. While I have not read or studied this philosophy yet, I have turned to her for help in expressing and understanding my less-than-pleasant emotions; this represents a point of growth for me. In the past, I would have written off any such emotional work as ridiculous, hippy-dippy nonsense, but now I see the value in feeling work, and so her advice has been tremendously important in developing my inferior function (Fe).
All in all, these mentoring relationships have shown me how to navigate life while staying true to myself. This has provided me with faith and confidence that I can accomplish my goals without having to try to force myself into society’s idea of success.
-Lillian Dell’Aquila Cannon [lilliancannon@gmail.com] has always been an INTP and owns a natural baby store in Pittsburgh, PA called Happy Baby Company where she has total autonomy.
