In Part I of this series on INFJ-INTP Relationships & Compatibility, I explored some reasons why INTPs and INFJs may enjoy good rapport and compatibility in relationships. In Part II, I touched on the fact that these personality types may encounter some difficulties with respect to their Si-Se differences, but suggested this was typically not a deal breaker. In this post, I will focus on what are likely to be greater challenges for this pairing, involving Judging-Perceiving and Thinking-Feeling related differences.
In my post, Rethinking Judging and Perceiving in IJs and IPs, I explain why IPs, whose dominant function is a Judging function (Ti or Fi), are often well understood as predominant Judgers. Similarly, IJs, whose dominant function is Perceiving in nature (Si or Ni), are best viewed as predominant Perceivers.
INFJs, while appearing outwardly like Judging types because of their auxiliary Fe, are inner Perceivers. When their Introverted Intuition (Ni) is not engaged in forming an impression of an external situation or problem, it can be highly imaginative, playful, carefree, fanciful, and childlike. INTPs, while sometimes appearing carefree and relaxed, tend to be inwardly serious, calculating, focused, and agenda-driven. Their Introverted Thinking (Ti) is anything but playful and childlike.
More specifically, INFJs’ inner child can get very excited about the arts and culture. Their Ni, Fe, and Se functions love relishing and experiencing fine meals, music, productions, and art. There is something very magical for INFJs about seeing the marriage of S and N through these media, which can confer a deep sense of fullness, wholeness, and joy. What makes these experiences even better for INFJs is having someone to share and celebrate them with. And since their Feeling function is extraverted, they look for their partner to join them in their excitement, making such experiences all the richer.
Since INTPs are neither N dominants nor Feelers, their interest in arts and culture cannot match the INFJs’, especially if not raised in an artsy family. Rather, INTPs’ interests tend to be more conceptual and utility-focused. And while Fe is a part of INTPs’ function stack, its inferior position makes INTPs far less outwardly celebrative and expressive. Moreover, INTPs often get excited about different things than INFJs. While INFJs may find pure joy in a fine meal or performance, INTPs are most excited by new ideas, possibilities, or challenges.
Generally, INTPs seem less troubled by these typological differences than INFJs are. In most cases, INFJs can reciprocate INTPs’ interest in ideas, even if their Ni fails to be convinced by the INTP’s Ne speculations. But assuming the INTP is sufficiently mature, he can deal with, even welcome, the INFJ’s challenges to his ideas (less mature INTPs, by contrast, are likely to struggle with all J types, not merely INFJs). However, when INFJs are feeling passionate and excited about something and the INTP fails to reciprocate, they can feel severely disappointed and disheartened. Even if the INTP does happen to feel similarly, the INFJ may still struggle to see it in his facial expressions, which commonly appear flat and emotionless.
There are times when INFJs simply want to play and frolic in NF sorts of ways. INTPs, especially when caught up in their Ti pursuits, can seem detached, aloof, and disinterested in joining them. And even when INTPs try to relinquish their inner Ti agenda, they may still be incapable of playing in the way the INFJ might prefer, potentially appearing more awkward than anything else. When the INFJ expresses disappointment, the INTP may feel insecure and frustrated, wondering if he can ever fully satisfy the INFJ.
In light of the above, one could argue that INFJs may find better compatibility with ENTPs. ENTPs tend to have broader interests than INTPs, some of which may extend further into the arts and culture. ENTPs also share INFJs’ preference for playful Perceiving. However, INFJs may struggle with ENTPs who seem highly distractible or incapable of focusing and engaging in lengthy discussions.
In sum, INFJ-INTP relationships are not without their challenges. As discussed in my earlier posts, INFJs love the fact that INTPs seem truly interested in understanding and listening to them, reassuring the INFJ of both her value and sanity. INTPs, in turn, love the INFJ’s intellect, perceptiveness, and depth of insight, not to mention her warmth and nurture. The success of a given INTP-INFJ pairing will depend largely on the degree of openness and maturity in both individuals. Prior to age 25, these types may well have more struggles than success. The other major factor, as discussed above, would seem to involve the INFJs’ willingness to accept differences of interest and a relative lack of overt communion in the realm of Feeling.
Related Posts:
INFJ-INTP Relationships Part I & Part II
INTP Relationships & Compatibility
INFJLAND says
I think INTPs and INFJs are each better off dating their own type. While friendship can give the illusion of deeper connection and compatability, I don’t feel that INTPs are conscious enough to sustain long-term stimulation for INFJs. I am an INFJ female that recently ended a 2 year relationship with an INTP male. I did feel that he cared about me as a person but not as a GF per se and he was only excited about his career and computer work so I felt alone most of the time. He never made date plans for us or anything. And yes, I witnessed that classic INTP lack of enthusiasm for things that I wanted us to do as a couple. He didn’t even want to go to a wedding with me, nor was he ready to make plans for the future of our relationship (we are both in our mid-30s). We are cool as acquaintances but the lack of outward passion, feelings and deeper connectedness was unsatisfying.
Josh says
I would say that he may never have matured with that, or brought change. As an INTP male, I cherish and even share the interests the INFJ i love may have. Not all INTPs are the same.
Kimberly says
My husband, INTP, and myself INFJ have been reading this and laughing. Okay. I have been reading it out loud and we have been laughing. It’s like you’ve been spying on us. And thank just very much. We are exceedingly happy together. :-)
Alison says
Wow, as an INFJ woman who has been married to an INTP man for almost a year now, I can attest to the truth of many of these observations! It felt so good to finally find a man who, rather than being intimidated by my intelligence, found it highly attractive. We really enjoy discussing all sorts of things together. We met when I was 29 and he was 35, and I do think that maturity makes a big difference in compatibility. But I can also relate to that feeling of wanting to be playful or revel in something beautiful but not sensing his enthusiasm, or worse, he is preoccupied by his thoughts. That’s why it’s important to have other relationships that meet the need to connect over certain things he might not “get.” We are lucky to share many interests (like me, he does have refined tastes when it comes to craft beer!), so we focus on those things together, and then we have our own interests, and as introverts we are satisfied pursuing those separately as well. My INTP man is very loyal and so so sweet, even if it takes him awhile to understand my feelings. We laughingly refer to his feelings as his “feeling” since he has so much trouble tapping into his own.
Amanda says
I am an INFJ with a very strong T dating an INTP with a very strong F. It has been one of the most wonderful relationships I have ever had…The already listed areas in which we compliment each other are heightened by the fact that I, with my high T…him, with his high F…can relate to each other even more. Although a T, he is extremely affectionate…usually more affectionate than myself, at least outwardly. As an F with a high T, I never (wantingly) realized how much I loved being loved. Him telling me he loves me an insane amount throughout the day is his F kicking in…while him asking, after the fact, if he tells me that too much, is his T. (Which I find adorable, by the way.)
The comfort level I feel when with him is unlike anything I have felt with any other person. We quickly developed a sort of unconditional love which almost seems unrealistic…but in our day to day lives, it seems to be working without fail.
Our relationship began with him being smitten with me, and me believing we had nothing in common, not to mention the fact that he was four years younger than me. He was extremely persistent, but in a non-threatening way…which is exactly what he had to be in order to break down my heavily built up walls.
One year later…I am in the most rewarding, loving and comfortable relationship I have ever been in. We have both had our moments of adversity, the year we have dated being one of the most difficult years in my life for reasons I will not mention.
I do truly believe that the INFJ-INTP pairing is something special…but it usually takes some work starting up, and may take some work maintaining. I don’t think it’s necessary for the INTP to have a strong F…or the INFJ to have a strong T…but I definitely think, from experience, that it makes the relationship even more cohesive.